Universal Reversal. It’s inevitable but that doesn’t make it any less of a pain in my ass.
This is not going to be inspirational, because that’s not who I am or how I roll. That’s what pinterest is for. Or maybe that’s ruining the small amount of self esteem you have. I always get confused about that.
So life is happening and that’s cool.
Nothing like making some plans, trying to move forward to make the powers that be laugh in your face and throw you a curve ball. What do you do to overcome it? I’m trying the affirmations, the positive thinking, the let it be attitude. Frankly though, I suck at that stuff. I’m a 100% grade A control freak. I don’t like not knowing the future, not having a plan or 4, and being able to clearly map out how things are going to go. While I understand that I never really know the future, making me feel like I do calms me. Tumult is anxiety for me. However, I am very aware that this is how life works. I’ll never really be able to control things or be able to plan for everything, but when it fucks with my future I’m like for reals? REALLY? LIKE SERIOUSLY?!
And then the universe laughs right in my stupid controlling anxiety ridden face and says “Deal with it Bish”, and what choice do I have? Of course my immediate reaction is to go into contingency planning mode, to overcompensation, overconfidence, etc, etc, etc forever and ever amen. I’m sick of it though. I want to live and let live. Take it a day at a time. Taste the sweet freedom of calm and peace knowing that I can only handle life moment by moment. Are there really people like that though? I know people who say they are like that and they tell me how they do it. Maybe it’s just the spiteful person in me but I’m pretty sure they are all lying liars who wear liar pants smoking from their lying butts. No? Well it’s probably just that misery loves company and I want to know that there really are people who are as miserable as me with the “not knowing” “everything can change everyday” “I have no control” shit.
My acute awareness of this personality shortcoming has been brought to the forefront of my life in the last year. On a monthly basis I am reminded that I struggle with this, that it consumes me. I fear it now, but maybe awareness is the first step? Who am I kidding, I know that awareness is the first step of behavior change. It’s my job to know that (no seriously, that’s my business ya’ll). I hate it though. No one ever wants to become confronted with their faults. Because we are all shining examples of perfection who fart unicorns and spit golden rainbows that feed orphans and extinguish war….right? Yeah. No. Musings aside, I want to conquer this, but is that just my need to control rearing it’s ugly head again? My need to control my need to control a sign of an unhealthy need to control things. I need a drink just reading that sentence.
So. That’s where I’m at.
Cool stuff huh? Don’t you feel super functional and not at all as crazy as this girl?
YOU’RE WELCOME.
Always here to help.
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