That one where I reveal how crazy I am and make you feel super good about yourself.

Universal Reversal. It’s inevitable but that doesn’t make it any less of a pain in my ass.

This is not going to be inspirational, because that’s not who I am or how I roll. That’s what pinterest is for. Or maybe that’s ruining the small amount of self esteem you have. I always get confused about that.

So life is happening and that’s cool.

Nothing like making some plans, trying to move forward to make the powers that be laugh in your face and throw you a curve ball. What do you do to overcome it? I’m trying the affirmations, the positive thinking, the let it be attitude. Frankly though, I suck at that stuff. I’m a 100% grade A control freak. I don’t like not knowing the future, not having a plan or 4, and being able to clearly map out how things are going to go. While I understand that I never really know the future, making me feel like I do calms me. Tumult is anxiety for me. However, I am very aware that this is how life works. I’ll never really be able to control things or be able to plan for everything, but when it fucks with my future I’m like for reals? REALLY? LIKE SERIOUSLY?!

And then the universe laughs right in my stupid controlling anxiety ridden face and says “Deal with it Bish”, and what choice do I have? Of course my immediate reaction is to go into contingency planning mode, to overcompensation, overconfidence, etc, etc, etc forever and ever amen. I’m sick of it though. I want to live and let live. Take it a day at a time. Taste the sweet freedom of calm and peace knowing that I can only handle life moment by moment. Are there really people like that though? I know people who say they are like that and they tell me how they do it. Maybe it’s just the spiteful person in me but I’m pretty sure they are all lying liars who wear liar pants smoking from their lying butts. No? Well it’s probably just that misery loves company and I want to know that there really are people who are as miserable as me with the “not knowing” “everything can change everyday” “I have no control” shit.

My acute awareness of this personality shortcoming has been brought to the forefront of my life in the last year. On a monthly basis I am reminded that I struggle with this, that it consumes me. I fear it now, but maybe awareness is the first step? Who am I kidding, I know that awareness is the first step of behavior change. It’s my job to know that (no seriously, that’s my business ya’ll). I hate it though. No one ever wants to become confronted with their faults. Because we are all shining examples of perfection who fart unicorns and spit golden rainbows that feed orphans and extinguish war….right? Yeah. No. Musings aside, I want to conquer this, but is that just my need to control rearing it’s ugly head again? My need to control my need to control a sign of an unhealthy need to control things. I need a drink just reading that sentence.

So. That’s where I’m at.

Cool stuff huh? Don’t you feel super functional and not at all as crazy as this girl?

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Always here to help.

Online Shopping Carts

Sometimes I put things in my Amazon cart just to feel productive, or proactive. Or both. There is something so satisfying about the combination of the laziest form of shopping mixed with the terror of my overactive, type A, listy mclisterson brain. It’s like a making a beautiful but dysfunctional materialism baby. The good thing is that I hardly ever buy the things in my Amazon cart. I put them there, they sit for days, and then I move them to my wishlist. If I really need/want something I’ll buy it right away, 1-click, like ripping off a band-aid, because I know that if I don’t the red knight black knight fight between my uber money conscious budget side and my socially trained consumer materialistic side will ensue and someone (me) will get hurt (read: headache, tummy ache, etc). So when I feel like I ate too much pizza the night before or I want to go running but can’t, I find myself putting chia seeds and a vegetable spiralizer (zoodles!) and new running shoes and a hat or whatever in my Amazon cart. These things will lead to me drinking smoothies and giving up pasta or finally signing up for the half marathon, or that is what my intention is. I’m pretty sure there is some psychological term or study or disorder associated with this, but I kind of don’t care.

I’m going to go look up doggie doors on Amazon now. Analyze that one.

If I ever write a book I think it should be about the best intentions of my online shopping carts. Or maybe something more interesting. The jury is still out on this one.

Tone Correction. Realism. Catchy Title.

I feel lumpy and my hair won’t sit right. Maybe it’s the fact that I drank too much last or that I got my IUD taken out on Friday. Maybe it’s the constant stream of thoughts about the house, Nathan leaving, work, ignoring work, thinking about projects, feeling like I should go for a run, feeling like I wish I felt better about how I look right now because that’s how a feminist woman should feel, hating that these pants ride down and don’t look right. This is the problem, right here. Too much thoughts, thinking, constantly streaming through my brain. I can’t stop it. I bounce from thing to thing, and each moment there is a new emergency, a new tone, a new resolution, a new list. Maybe if I just wrote them down things would stop, or rest, maybe for just an hour. Maybe so I could get something done without thinking of 15 things to do after, instead of, etc. I should use less commas. It’s always been a problem of mine though, the overuse of commas. The steady flow of things, never the complete stop. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Sorry not sorry.

I always feel like I should start a blog, and I have, many times, 5 to be exact (there are those commas again). Then I tell myself that I should just journal because who the fuck cares about my piddly stupid white girl problems. My life has the same amount of drama and interest of a bullfrog sitting contentedly on a log that is slowly moving down a stream (why do I keep talking about streams and flows and water?!) WAH! My husband voluntarily signed up for the National Guard with not only my blessing but with my encouragement and now I’m sad he’s leaving for 5 months. WAH! I bought a house and now I am really overwhelmed with making it a home. WAH! I have so much work to do that I don’t know where to start because my job is autonomous and there is no one giving me a clear map of what to do and when. WAH! My husband and I are excited to start our family but I have to wait until March to try to get pregnant because of aforementioned National Guard Boot Camp/Tech school. WAH! I want to be in better shape and lose a little more weight but I’m so lazy and can’t stop eating tortilla chips like I was never going to eat anything ever again. Don’t you feel so sad and sorry for me? Oh damn. I can hear exactly the amount of fucks anyone would give about those things. *crickets* Yeah. Zero.

But you know what? I’ll probably do it anyway because since I've tried 5 times I obviously don’t listen to myself and also I like the attention. Because Gemini. Because youngest child. Because *insert reason here*. As mentioned before catchy, hip phrases and internet lingo, miley cyrus. Can’t stop, won’t stop. SUPER Sorry, not sorry though.

I am not a special snowflake. I am not remarkable. I am not even interesting. I have normal people problems that seem like huge, obnoxious problems because they impact me. Oh sure I worry about things that are big. Hunger, disease, war, etc. I happen to be cursed with an overly empathetic personality and I internalize a lot of really negative shit from said big things that I cannot fix or help or stop. Which is super useful and constructive, obviously. Don’t you see all my Nobel prizes? Yeah. Nope. I just get sad and weepy about things and give a pittance of money to things I can give too and then I look at pictures of babies or puppies and try to forget. Because I’m an entitled asshole and have the luxury of internet and no risk of bombs killing me or Ebola or junk. The end.  

Yup. Pretty standard set of stuff from a 27 year old normcore afficionado from PDX. Minute problems and a whole lot of whining. But they are my problems and my whining and I have to deal with them. Right now. I want to stop them. I want to control them. I want to feel a little less like there is a giant time clock positioned over my head ominously ticking down the minutes to the next huge hurdle in my normcorey, mostly lucky life. I want to do yoga and be quiet and enjoy feeling centered and calm for more than 2 seconds. I want to accomplish real fitness goals and feel confident with my body while I prepare to conceive and birth the child I have longed for and planned and anticipated so so much. I want to never have to say goodbye to Nathan for more than 48 hours (yes, codependent, no not in that way, really just like each other a lot) but really would like to not have to say goodbye for 5 months. I would really like to eat kale and zucchini and healthy shit everyday and be joyful and fulfilled by it, but really would like to eat french fries and pizza and tortilla chips and beans by the boatload and just not gain oodles of weight and feel like a Goodyear blimp.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Obviously I've got 99 problems and there are many of them exhibited here though none of them are particularly interesting.  

Here’s a current list of things I’m not:

Fashionable

Overly successful

Intriguing

Struggling with real problems

Pregnant

Fit

In control of my appetite

Healthy eater

Interesting

Content

Calm

Minimalist

Here’s a current list of things I am:

In great need of a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese

Stressed

Frantic

Hungry

Antsy

Happy

Distracted

Excited

Contemplative

Bloated

In conclusion…

The End.